Akuroku Day
by Constance Greene
Summary: Axel and Roxas contemplate 'Akuroku day.' Bad jokes ensue. — AxelRoxas.


Author's Note: Hi guys. Since I haven't updated in a while, and my friend and I are all "UPDATE UPDATE UPDATING IS GOOD UPDATE," I decided to write a quick little something. I just realized this morning that today was Akuroku day, so what the heck. I'm gonna write some Akuroku. Except I had no ideas . . . so I wrote this. Heh. And yeah, it's a parody. Bad humour is expected, and language, as well as sexual innuendos and whatnot.

Btw, I'm not talking about anyone or any fic in particular. I haven't even read any of the Akuroku fics yet. All the excerpts and usernames and whatnot are make-believe. Oh, and this is nothing to be taken personally, either. Please don't. It's more than likely not worth it.

Disclaimer: KH is not mine. Neither is anything else mentioned in here.

Summary: Axel and Roxas contemplate 'Akuroku day.' Bad jokes ensue.

**Akuroku Day**

"Hey Roxas, guess what?"

A newspaper was promptly shoved in front of his face, dangling like a cat toy at too-close proximity. No, not a newspaper, Roxas realized. A calendar. And today's date had been circled in red ink with utmost importance.

He squinted, trying to read what it said. "What?" In truth, he really didn't care. He was sure that he hadn't missed anyone's birthday – not even a holiday. What holiday was in August, anyway?

"It's our day!"

"Our . . . day." He furrowed his brows as if in deep concentration, although his voice remained uninterested. What the hell was his friend going on about? Sure, there was the running joke amongst the Organization that they 'secret lovers' just because they referred to each other as partners ( partners in _crime_, mind you ), and were pretty much always found together, so they religiously showered them with cards and candy and chocolates on Valentines, calling it 'their day.' Roxas didn't really mind: his inner-seething stopped shortly after the event, soothed by chocolate and Axel's jokes ( oh, and the pyrotechnics as his temper got away with him and lit several Organization members on fire ).

"It's not February, you 'tard."

"I know. It's August. August _thirteenth_."

Roxas continued to stare at the glow of his computer screen. "So? It's not Friday the Thirteenth. So what's the big deal?"

"God, Roxas," Axel said, letting out a little laugh as he draped his thin frame across the sofa. "You are _so_ dense. . . Check out that site. Y'know, that fanfiction site."

If it was possible, Roxas's face fell into a look of even more blankness. "I don't feel like reading sappy stuff twelve year-olds put on the 'net and call it 'writing.'"

"C'mon. Just do it. Amuse me."

With a grunt, the blond reluctantly dragged his cursor towards the URL bar and typed the address in.

Once at the page, he asked, "What section do I go to?"

"Which do you _think_?"

"Well, earlier we were making fun of that last _Twilight_ book Stephen Meyers or whatever put out . . ."

"Naw; it's been over a week. Everyone's off their high-horse by now. Go to _Kingdom Hearts_, dummy."

He did. And what he saw made his jaw drop as he gaped at the white, black, blue and grey screen.

The page was littered with them.

Them.

Axel/Roxas fanfics.

Under normal circumstances, you'd see two or three on each page. God knew why, but the fangirls, just like the Organization, loved the idea of them together. And that was all it was: an idea. But now, every other fic was Akuroku. There were even little sayings thrown into some of the summaries. "Happy AkuRoku Day!" Capitalization. Exclamation mark. Oh God, it wasn't just a catastrophe – it was a _pandemic_! An event of the ages!

. . But not for all ages.

"Oh, my God. What is _wrong_ with these people?"

He heard Axel laugh behind him. "It's hilarious, isn't it? They're all shitting out fics of us like crazy. They've probably been waiting for this day for _months_. Look at the ratings for them, too. Just look."

But Roxas did not want to look. He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again, tentatively scanning the single-letters beneath each fic.

"T . . . T . . . T . . . a few K plusses . . . what does Teen stand for, again?"

"Let's see." Axel began to knock off the words from his memory. "'Contains content not suitable for children.'"

"And K plus?"

As sure as a robot, he replied, "'Some content may not be suitable for young children.'"

"And most Disney movies are, like, G or PG, right? And they're about friendship. And some romance. And stuff that's not suitable for children could be, like, sex."

"At least there aren't any M fics, buddy . . . on the first page. But then again, people on this site tend to only rate things as M's if they're strong lemons."

"Strong lemons?" Roxas asked dizzily, his voice faint.

"Lemons." Axel licked his lip seductively, a glint in his green eyes.

"What are you _doing_? This is _insulting _our_ reputation_! Whenever someone slips even a hint of a joke in the Organization about "us," you charbroil their hands! What is _wrong_ with you? Do you think this is _funny_?" He was nearly standing out of his chair now, like in that crazy commercial about those bite-sized pizzas or whatever where the kids all stand up while playing a video game and salute some kid's mom. His breathing came out in slow intervals, as though he was panting.

It was Axel's turn to stare. ". . Jeez, Roxas. Just think of it as a joke, like I am. Besides, it's not like we'll ever _meet_ any of these people." He snickered into his gloved hand. "If you can call them that.

"And besides – we don't have a reputation anymore. These chicks trashed it. Our only reputation is having frequent hot anal sex and blowjobs galore."

"But – but look at this one! They called you flaming, Axel. _Flaming_. And not in the fiery way. They think we're all raging homosexuals!"

"So?" He quirked a perfectly crimson eyebrow. "You got something against gays?"

"_Flaming_! F – L – A – M – I – N – G! Got it memorized?!" He was nearly hysterical now.

"C'mon. Stop being such a sorry-sport and let's start making fun of _them_, shall we?" Without warning, Axel's elbow knocked his arm away from the mouse as Axel began to guide it, clicking on one story. "This one looks gooshy."

His predator-like eyes scanned the lines of text as he scrolled through, stopping near the bottom-middle-half.

"_Just_ because our _Organization_ numbers are 8 and 13 . . ." Roxas was growling before Axel hushed him.

"Oh, listen to _this_. This is rich. _'The redhead moved his leg over Roxas's bright pink shoulder, dotted with moisture from the sweat that literally poured out of his skin, sparkling in the few rays of sunlight that snuck in between the slightly parted curtains. His tongue engulfed the boy's mouth, filling it with the bittersweet taste of his cum lingering on his breath as his hand worked below . . .'_"

"Oh, God, stop. I'm dry retching right now."

"I don't hear you."

"Dry retching! In my mind. But it's close enough to the real thing."

Axel laughed again. "You know, when they said _sparkling_? It's like those sex-craved vampires in that stupid _Dusk_ book or whatever."

"Yeah yeah yeah. Can we _please_ stop talking about this?"

"And do they think I'm that flexible or something? Shit! I'm flattered, but only women can do that."

"_Axel_ . . ."

Axel ignored him, continuing his reading expedition. "Huh, you certainly can't do this stuff in an airplane bathroom! No space!"

"_What_?"

"What?" Axel mimicked innocently. "Sex passes the time on long flights. Especially if the movie's bad."

Roxas groaned.

"These _positions_! They're making me sound like that sexaholic in that one Palahniuk novel." His friend exclaimed, all in mocking good cheer.

Roxas tried to look somewhere else.

"Why do they call it Akuroku, anyway?" The blond grumbled. "Sounds like a monster."

"I have an idea."

"Your ideas tend to scare me."

"I scare a lot of people."

"It can't be worse than the stuff going through these girls' minds, though . . ." For a moment, Number XIII felt relief.

"Let's write ourselves in a smut fic."

There was silence.

Then —

"I am going to kill you."

"Oh, come on. It'll be some funny shit."

"Yeah, and I'll _die _laughing. After I kill you." He glared knives at Axel's back.

"We could always try out these positions, then. Your choice."

"Axel, sometimes your jokes go a bit _too _far."

"Holy crap – you actually _believed_ me? I'd never do that." Axel seemed overly-amused.

". . Why do you think they think we're good together, anyway?"

"Aw, c'mon, buddy. 'Cause we're best friends."

Roxas snorted. "You can be best friends without – without having some kind of forbidden relationship."

"But technically, we can't be friends, because friendship _does _involve some kind of love, even if it's only a little bit, and we, being Nobodies, can't feel love, because we don't have hearts," Axel corrected.

"So . . . we love each other, but we don't?"

"Yeah. We just _think _we're in love. Friend-love."

"Wow; how come none of these fangirls ever think of that while we're supposedly having passionate buttsex and quoting _Romeo & Juliet_?"

". . Do I even have to answer that?"

"No. Don't." Roxas grinned despite himself, and Axel found himself grinning as well.

"But, you know . . . I've never had a friend like you before." Axel shook his head. "You're different. Different than the rest."

Roxas was silent, contemplating this. He had come to the Organization, knowing nobody ( not with the capital 'N,' of course ). Axel had the chance to possibly make friends with the other Organization members, but he never really did. It was just Roxas he stuck to – stuck to like glue. As though he was in love. _Love _love.

And for an instant . . . that didn't freak him out that much. He had gotten used to his friend being around, regardless if he became annoying at times.

"Well. I'm glad."

They had become closer during this discussion, only five or so inches away from each other. Axel reached his hand towards Roxas, as though he was going to touch his face, and a soft expression melted onto the redhead's visage. And then the door opened with a slam.

"HEY YOU GUYS THIS IS HILARIOUS. YOU'RE ALL OVER THE 'NET." There was a pause. "What are you guys doing?"

Roxas jerked back, and Axel's hand immediately retreated.

"N-nothing!" They both chirruped in unison.

Demyx blinked, narrowing his eyes. ". . You both were about to make out, weren't you."

"_NO!_" This was frighteningly more in unison.

"Just like XxXAkurokuLovar123OMGxXx wrote in one of her fanfics!"

"_NO_." They could have been telepathic aliens, their words matched so much.

"Aww, it's okay, you guys. It's just like in that one fic. Where I sing "If You Were Gay" to both of you . . ." He promptly began to sing the first few lines.

"Demyx, get out before I flame you."

"Eep!" The door finally closed, leaving them in blessed ( or awkward ) silence.

"'Flame you?' Was that really necessary?"

Axel shrugged. "I looked it up. Demyx has an account on and celebrates Akuroku day, too. He thinks we're gay anyway."

Roxas sighed, flopping back on the sofa.

"Y'know . . . if that's what they think, then. Maybe being gay isn't so bad, even if we're not. If it means we'll stay together . . . then whatever."

Axel raised an eyebrow. "You mean like Chuck and Larry? I don't want to get into any of that legal stuff. That's _lying_, and us villains, we don't lie—"

Roxas threw a pillow at him.

Author's End Note: Ughhh. When I initially thought of the idea for this fic, it was much funnier. And I obviously didn't know how to end this. Fail. I always try to write Akuroku's and they end up . . . not being Akuroku's. D: I'LL WRITE ONE SOMEDAY. I BLAME LONG DRIVES FOR VACATION.

Anyways. Hopefully you enjoyed it regardless? Maybe. Huh, I don't know. Leave me a review so I'll know? :D


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